I still have a huge list of things to do to get ready for his arrival! I know if I could spend a little more time on Pinterest then maybe I'll get more inspired.
I want to get his room started but have no clue where to begin! I'm thinking something earthy for the decor. My husband really wants to do a Where the Wild Things Are theme, and since I paint (or at least used to) and painted a mural in our daughter's room, he wants me to paint one in Jackson's room too. That doesn't interest me at all right now.
I'm not sure what the second pregnancy is supposed to be like, but I feel a little bit guilty that I haven't put a lot of thought into his arrival until just recently. If it wasn't for my incredibly large stomache and the fact that I can't drink caffeine, then I'm pretty sure I would have forgotten I was pregnant for the most part. Is that normal? But now I'm the opposite! I am beginning to worry. I want to meet him so badly that I can't help but think those horrible thoughts of "what if?"
Not a day goes by where I don't thank God for my precious daughter Adelaide. I know that life would be incredibly different without her. I know that as soon as I hold Jackson in my arms I will feel the same way with him too.
I was listening to the radio 2 days ago and they played a clip of Steven Curtis Chapman talking about losing his daughter. He said that he went through a realization that this is not our home and he will get to see his little girl again. And he said that he missed her so much and couldn't wait to meet her in heaven.
I've heard the story a lot, and yet when he said how much he missed her I just started to cry. I couldn't imagine not being able to see Addy again, or hold her, or watch her sleep, or hear her voice, or her funny laugh. I don't ever, ever want to think about that, but as a mother I guess it's part of the package. The worry and the fear comes naturally. And I know that it's our job to look towards God and know that He is in control.
Last week at church, the pastor talked a lot about how God instructs us to not be afraid.
I've realized that there are a lot of things that come naturally to us, like worrying, sin, selfishness, etc... and that's why there is so much in the bible to help us overcome those feelings and to be able to live the life that we are meant to live. I figure why would we be encouraged to only love those that love us when that comes naturally, we are encouraged to do what comes unnaturally. To love our enemies.
So I guess the same goes for moms and their kids. Why would God tell us, so often in the bible not to worry or have fear? Because He knows that it is a natural instinct that we have inside of us. It is something that we will all do at some point in our lives, and He wants to give us hope.
I've read about Michelle Duggar's pregnancy that was lost. It was a little girl. I just can't help but let my heart break. Because, although I haven't experienced it, I know as a mother that there is a pain that inside of her that can't be explained.
This life is so incredibly short, and one day when I'm standing with God, I will see that there is a bigger and better place than I could ever have imagined!
So aside from the worry, I am filled with excitement. I have so much joy and feel the love of the Lord. I know that I have already been blessed with so, so much more than I ever deserve and instead of wondering "why?" I am going to look to God for the next steps. I will continue to follow His lead and know that I don't have to fear because He is in control and not me. I can't wait to meet little Jackson and hear his cry. I wonder if he will be as active as he is in my belly? (Which is WAY more active than Addy ever was!) But until I meet him, I will patiently wait and do my best to prepare his home.
