I'm not a fool to think that I'm not blessed. My husband is my rock, my best friend in the whole world, and the love of my life... and he is healthy! My daughter is more perfect than words can say, she has shown me a whole new kind of love that I never knew existed... and she is healthy! And as far as we know there are no complications with my current pregnancy. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in life right now, I don't think I ever thought I would be so lucky in life.
While I know that God has a plan for us, I have to rely on what I know to be true. He has taken care of us time and time again. Just when we think we might not make a bill, unexpected money comes to us. Just when we thought past jobs were our whole future, plans changed. When we talked about starting a family and I was so sure that I wanted to wait just one more year, we found out we were pregnant 6 days later. When we decided to move back to where I grew up and rent an apartment there in southern CA, we bought a house in Arizona. When I cried and cried about having to back to work after having Addy because there were no other options, I learned how to use a sewing machine and discovered a hidden passion. These are only a few of the thousands of answered prayers in mine and my husband's lives together. We pray and pray and pray for things to work out in our time, our way, and just when we let go and pray for God to intervene we realize that he had a much better plan all along.
I know that right now, with my husband still looking for a way to bring home the bacon on a consistent and steady basis, his grandmother holding on for life in the hospital, another baby on the way, bills stacking, stress mounting, sleep lacking, there will be a light.
I woke up last night at about 2am and couldn't get back to sleep (just like the last few nights). I usually go downstairs to my sewing room to work, grab a snack, and then try to watch tv until I feel tired again. Well last night I had been praying and talking to God for hours and started to get into a very anxious mood. I wanted to hear God's voice. I wanted him to answer me RIGHT NOW. I wanted to know what his plans were for us (not that I could ever guess because they are usually way better and so different than anything I could think of). So I grabbed my bible and journal and went downstairs. I didn't want to do the typical 'open your bible and point' thing so I looked in my journal for the book that I was going to read next and figured I'd start there.
Wha'da you know?...
James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, (3) because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
I went on to read the notes in my bible about this verse, which I know very well yet tend to forget when I am facing trials. In the notes it says "James doesn't say IF you face trials, but WHENEVER you face them. He assumes that we will have trials and that it is possible to profit from them. The point is not to pretend to be happy when we face pain, but to have a positive outlook ("consider it pure joy") because of what trials can produce in our lives. James tells us to turn our hardships into times of learning. Tough times can teach us perseverance."
Time after time, just when we think we have it all figured out, God has taken us and shown us that when we have faith in Him, he will reveal his plans to us.
I don't know if this is a lesson that I will have to learn over and over throughout my life, but I am so incredibly grateful that I am not in control of my world. I can give all of my stress and worry to God and he always, always takes it!
I am praying for all of you who have struggles right now and can't see the end of the road. It won't last forever! God asks us to cast our cares upon him because he wants us to be willing to give up control. When I get the courage to do that, my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I know better, and I pray for that reminder every day that God DOES have a plan for ME!
And like I said, I am blessed!